• D.I.Y.

    It sure was a tough week in the house of Gore.

    Marge wanted me to get some much needed decorating done.

    Mind you those computer wallpapers are expensive. It took me one hundred and sixty bloody laptops to decorate the living room alone.

    So on the Monday I brought in an interior designer. A very nice young chap, Tarquin I believe his name was, loud pink shirt, with an even louder personality. A bit of a mummies boy you could say.

    He took one look at me and the battered antique furniture scattered around my rather cluttered living room and said I need to get my feng shui sorted out.

    So quick as a flash I went along to my local Chinese restaurant for a double helping of it!

    The next day Marge said wanted to work closely with the designer, moving, humping and stripping. Then they started on the DIY.

    Marge said she was interested in saving space. Said I could go for a start off as I was a big waste of space.

    So I did, to the local pub I went. Where they had a pub quiz on.

    It was no normal pub quiz. I think the landlord's still addicted to Viagra as it was a sex Quiz. Sadly like a lot of sex related things at my age I had to pass or just hit lucky with a multiple choice.

    The barmaid Big Brenda, who never says no to any question, was running the quiz. She asked where a woman's G-spot was? I had to ask what that was. "A place that gives a woman great pleasure," said Brenda.

    "Oh, in that case. My bloody wallet!" I joked.

    I was determined to at least get one so I thought I'd sneakily ring Marge on my mobile for the answer. "She said he didn't know." She'd get Tarquin to help her look!"

    I didn't have the heart to tell her he might have designs on the house but very doubtful he's have designs on her!

    On the Wednesday I made my way to Henley-on-Thames, for the Association of misers, cheapskates and skinflints annual water carnival and Regatta. Unfortunately the event had to be cancelled because none of the members knew how to push the boat out!

    So instead I popped along to the British tyre manufactures annual blowout. To be honest the night was a bit of let down. It left me feeling rather tired and deflated!

    On Thursday I spent the day in bed. Playing tents - my second favourite bedtime past time.

    I wasn't allowed in the living room as she wanted to the decorating job a surprise.

    Friday, 'she that must be obeyed', wanted a big party to celebrate the unveiling of the new living room decorations. Family and friends flocked to see it and Unlike our carpets the people were wall-to-wall.

    It wasn't until I saw for the first time the loud colours; the bright orange, day glow green and blood red that I realised not only Marge but the interior decorator was bloody colourblind.

    So my weekend to date has been taken up with splashing out with a huge tin of Magnolia.

    As in everything in my life it's better when I bloody do it myself!

    TTFN KG

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