• Looking up "Old friends" & "The Old Enemy".


    It's been a week of catching up. Have you noticed the older one gets the more one seems to have to do and the less time and energy you bloody have to do it?

    On Monday I saw an old friend Bendy Wendy who is a contortionist by trade but times are getting hard for sixty year old Wendy and she’s struggling to make both ends meet.

    She’s looking for a new position; I just hope she doesn’t get stuck in a compromising position as she told me to look her up. The way she was bent over backwards I couldn’t help but do just that.

    At her age it was quite a sight I can tell you! But it did remind me to take my pet spaniel to the vets on Tuesday to have his ears pinned back!!

    A trip to the vet is always a scary time for me. as I remember the time I took my pet dog Fang... (this is from my Diary - Another Year Closer to Death available at http://amzn.to/16W1YFr

    My dog Fang is misbehaving again. He’s always been somewhat devil-may-care with his desires – basically he’ll hump anything in sight. Today the vicar came around collecting for a worthy cause – something along the lines of single mothers with sex addiction problems. I always like to give them a helping hand when I can. But Fang seems to have a sex addiction problem of his own because all the way through the vicar’s chat he was constantly humping the poor cleric’s leg. The vicar was too polite – or more than bloody likely scared – to say anything until Fang had finished his business. Then the vicar in a shaky nervous voice asked for a cigarette and a damp cloth.

    I said to Marge, “I’m going to have to get him castrated.” The dog I mean, not the vicar. I rang the vet to make an appointment and couldn’t believe the cost; I’d do it myself with a couple of house-bricks, but I don’t want him biting my hand off. I’m not a cruel person, I actually love animals. I sometimes behave like one, in bed I mean. I don’t urinate against lamp-posts. Well, not very often....

    (next day)

    The trip to the vet’s was strange. The vet gave me a shock when he said, “I’m sorry Mr Gore, I’m going to have to put your dog down.”

    “Why?” I gasped.

    “He’s too heavy and he’s hurting my arms.”

    The bloody vet had obviously passed veterinarian school and clown school on the same day.

    Fang, however, hasn’t got much of a sense of humour, and he didn’t take kindly to this twit of a vet sticking a finger up his arsehole to see if his colon was impacted. Just as he was saying, “I should have bought your dog a drink first”, Fang managed to reach under himself and bite the vet’s wrist.

    I quipped to the vet that I hoped he had more luck with the ladies with his full-on foreplay.

    The vet made sure Fang was well sedated before he did anything else. I felt guilty having the old dog castrated, thinking if the roles were reversed would I want to be deprived of my manhood? Marge would quite happily have castrated me many times in our married life ...

    On the way home Fang gave me a sleepy look that seemed to say, “Man, how could you? Just you wait until you are naked and bending down in the bathroom. I’ll get my revenge!“ I felt awful inside since I’ve ruined his sex life.

    Wednesday saw the oldest game in football. where England took on the “old enemy” at Wembley. For a so called 'friendly' it was a bloody good game and very intense. Like true footy internationals used to be. I fell the passion is gone out of the game and with the Premiership kicking off I hope the players show more passion for the game rather than the passion to get huge amounts of cash and not think of themselves. Any professional footballers reading this, or having it read for them in David Beckham's case, help your local community and think of the fans that pay your huge wage.

    Thursday - I met another old friend. Lesley the Lumberjack, I always thought she was a lesbian and the only time she worked with wood and handled a big chopper was when she was chopping down trees. But I guess I was wrong she's only gone and married another lumberjack; a male one. But they are not ok. They're often at logger heads.

    I suggested they have a have child, sure he'd be a chip off the old block.

    Friday - I've decided there is way too much death and misery in the world and granted in my films I might have caused some of it but that is horror for entertainment. Life and the news can be too full of horror and I feel it's kind of swamping some people of late. So I thought how can I help. I always try to be supportive and pay it forward and be constructive. This might only be a small gesture but I thought we need a bloody good laugh so I thought I'd make Kensington Gore's Dead Funny Joke Book


    FREE for this weekend.

    So do get a copy and tell friends to have a laugh. Use the medicine of laughter to improve the world even if it's just a little bit. Because as someone once said and in the end the love you give is equal to the love you make and I love to make a lot of bloody love.


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